Sewing New Seeds of Love of in a Forgotten Garden

 

Disapointment

It isn’t your fault, it just is

Stop and cut bait and DON’T even go there.

And realize it’s them, not you, and move on.

People are not always honorable.

Of course it takes 2 to tango, so look at the part you played so you can learn 

It once and for all; utter the words…

Next!

This cord of confusion is a waste of time.

Move on…

Easy to think, “Oh, I should have, could have, would have…”

No more dwelling and be

Thankful that you are moving in a healthier direction.

  I continue to pick up the phone and hang up before dialing your number. I composed a text for the umpteenth time, and then deleted it before I hit send.

 When I’ve reached out, I’ve been rejected.

Sometimes, I look for the trail that will once again lead to your heart, like Hansel and Gretel, following crumbs.  Nonetheless, the path just breaks.

This compelling need inside swells up and cries, “If you would only respond to me, I could move on.” Only when I pick up my journal, guitar, or uke and write, can it be released.

  However, a gapping hole inside me grows deeper, the problem becomes everyone else’s fault. My mind says  “If they just loved me ” and saw me,  I could release this constant preoccupation with them.  Of course when we have an expectation that someone will save us, we have put the responsibility on them not ourselves to resolve our issue which never works.  

When I get through my day living true to myself, not letting this thought or person have control of me, I feel empowered and yet still dissatisfied.

Why though?

What in me needs the approval of someone else that I will chase him or her at the expense of myself?  How long will I make  something outside of me responsible for my well being, and feel victimized when they don’t meet my expectations, wasting my energy, just so I can be validated?

When did I stop validating myself and why?

When we constantly look for things, people and places outside of ourselves to fill us and validate who we are, we will always be empty.

Next time you pick up the phone or want to reach out to someone; call someone that has always been true to his or her word and honorable. 

Notice, when they get back to you right away, how you feel and how you respond to yourself


We are aware that their instant response is evidence they care. However, when we feel low, with a poor sense of our value truthfully, we question our worthiness of someone to respond attentively. 

There in lies the problem.  

 It’s what you think of yourself that is the problem.

 Do you think “what did I do wrong, what did I say that created them to leave” or “ what did I do for them to not respect me and call me back“.

 You make it your problem but chances are it has nothing to do with you!

 When you have worked all of your life trying to be noticed, abandonment issues run deep, and it takes discipline and practice to be kind enough to you to start living a life with people in it that are respectful and honor you.

 Start today by honoring yourself and doing things for yourself that truly take care of you on a deep level.

 Congratulations for not making that call and hitting the send button.

Life is about “finding peace in our struggles” as was shared so eloquently by a client.

 Now go do something for you; making yourself your own best friend is an interesting experiment.

 Just this morning I went to text and call someone who has not been returning my calls and I thought why would I do that to myself?

 The message is clear: for whatever reason they are not getting back to me.  It could be them or me, but I have tried enough.  I miss what we shared and had, but at this point could I care enough about me? I don’t need to do that to myself because it creates a vicious circle of what I did wrong?  

 Consequently, I texted a dear friend instead, and right away I got a response.  

 I sat for a moment and thought: this is what I want.  I want people in my life that do respond to me and treat me the way I treat them.  

 Some people wouldn’t give any of this a second thought.  They would just drop the person and move on to the next.  However, it’s only us that have issues with abandonment that have self-loathing.

  I remembered instantly being 14 and waiting for my dad to come visit and pick me up, only to be stood up again. The pain of disappointment left me with wounds that are still triggered to this day.  If I were just better, he would have been there for me. 

  So all of my life I have tried to be better with the hope I will have the Sunday visit 45 years ago that I so desperately wanted.  

There are no more tears; they have been mourned a myriad of times. 

 Instead, a realization that I am worthy came over me and I felt a peace inside knowing that I could at least respond to myself lovingly and kindly from now on.  I got out my shovel and headed to the garden with a grateful heart for the new seeds I am sowing.

 Be good to yourself today!

Smiles,

Cindy 

Ending Obsessions

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Do you sit and perseverate about the same subject over and over in your mind, head spinning like a top? Is it common for you to repeat past behaviors, and unproductive thoughts?  Although whatever stimulus has ended, you are practically addicted to repeat or prolong an action, thought, or utterance.

Obsessions and addictions show up in many different forms.

Whether it is alcohol, drugs, food, gambling, women, men, etc., they all are like a constant broken record that you play over and over in your head.  For some recovered addicts, the desire for another drink, cigarette, girl, guy. might never leave, even though you have stayed away from your vices for years.

My one word of advice:  If you’ve never gone down these paths, DON’T!

THEN YOU NEVER HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT QUITTING.

Although, this is Easier said than done.

However, since you’re reading this, chances are you are knee deep down the tunnel.

Let’s dissect this further and see if you can make heads or tails out of what’s going on with you.

First of all:

When did all of this start?

Who were you with?

What did it serve you back when you first started?

What were you looking for?

How were you feeling?

What were you hoping for?

When did you notice you were hooked?

What does it give you now?

Do you want to be a victim of your situation or do you want to change?

What will it take to do that?

Ok, so I’ve thrown a lot of questions out without any answers and you might say, “Hey, if I knew the answers I wouldn’t be in the situation I am now or reading your article.  Just tell me what to do.”

The problem is I can’t spoon-feed this to you but trust me I would if I could.

If you skimmed all of those questions, do yourself a favor and go back and take some time answering each one and write them out until you’re done.

If you really want to change it takes dedication and commitment, and this is the first step to clearing out old debris.

All the books, tapes, and lectures will NOT help you unless you actively do the work.

Chances are your answers were a place of self loathing, feeling inadequate, not good enough and wanting to fit in.

Once you see that, you see what this addiction has been trying to protect you from.

The next step is asking “Am I ready to let this go”?

If you’re not, STOP READING!   It’s ok.  Maybe you never really want to change, but are content being a victim and blaming people all of your life which gives your ego some satisfaction of being right.  It’s the booby prize but so be it for now.  But, your addiction will never give you peace and joy.  You obviously haven’t hit rock bottom yet, so wait until you’re ready to make a change once and for all.

When you are ready continue here.

Ask what you really want and write that clearly out with ways to keep you on track when you want to fall back to your old ways.

Make a time line and follow it, “I will do this for one day or one week”, and keep remaking them.

Get a support network.

Hire a life coach, a therapist, get a buddy, join a group, and have an outlet of other things that fill you, so you can draw on when you feel yourself sliding back.

In a nutshell, this addiction has taken over because it has it’s own mind MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY AND YOU HAVE ALLOWED THIS TO GET TO THIS POINT.  BLAME EVERYONE AROUND YOU ALL YOU WANT BUT THE BOTTOM LINE IS, YOU ALLOWED THIS TO GET TO THIS POINT and It IS UP TO YOU TO MAKE THE CHANGE.  NO ONE ELSE CAN DO IT FOR YOU.

We could go back into your history. Many times it’s important to see how you got to this point in the first place, but only to heal these parts of yourself so you can move forward.  Like a gardener removing weeds from their garden, continue to clear it out, until it’s gone.

Addiction protects us from feeling painful, unwanted emotions. Running away from confronting these sentiments, keeps us from sitting long enough with ourselves to heal. We allow ourselves to live in a vicious circle until we get tired from this crazy making. This adrenaline rush of extreme high and excitement drives us to these places of euphoria, so we don’t have to feel dreaded moods of despair and anxiety.  The very thing we don’t want to feel, keeps us in constant flux and instability because we can’t come face to face with ourselves.

Start cultivating your own interests and find what they are.  Discover what gives meaning to your life and how do you ground yourself to get there?  What activities, people, places and things give your life substance and joy?

What is your bliss without the addiction?

Is it hiking, playing tennis, meditation, yoga, surfing, golfing, dancing, golfing, going to the movies, Bingo, bridge?  Whatever it is make it part of your daily routine.

Breathe, trust the process and seek others that are committed to growth and change as well.

There is another way!

Are you ready?

If so, how have you showed up different this week?

Let me know.

This is free life coaching:-)

Cindy

Speaking Your Truth

the-greatest-advantage-of-speaking-the-truth-is-that-you-dont-have-to-remember-what-you-said While it’s not easy to say what’s true for you, there was a great price paid for freedom of speech. We are lucky to have voices to use. We are able to use our voices freely and collectively, to really make a difference in our world. I shutter to think of those who must desperately  fight for what was true for them, or other countries where Truth is to be avoided at all costs for fear of losing your life or, those you love.  Therefore, I am so grateful for those who have paved this path for us to uphold the 1st amendment.

From a young age most of us were taught to be respectful and be polite at the expense of how we feel. (I know I was!) No wonder it comes as a surprise when we find that what we really feel compared to what we’ve been told to feel  (reality vs. expectations) is so far off.  It can rock our inner world and throw us off balance, leaving us feeling lost and confused.  Often, we haven’t a clue what we actually feel and it takes a long time to break the sheath and peel back the layers to know our truth.  We might be so used to squelching all of these feelings and thoughts that when they finally come to the surface, it’s as though a volcano has erupted and we feel completely out of control which can be scary. Only by practice and taking the time to get used to our authentic self, liberation and freedom becomes a celebrated reality.

However, when we stuff our feelings, we close that door to freedom. Inwardly, these emotions set off normal internal responses; some bodily systems, like our immune system, get shut down.  As our cortisol levels peak, our bodies are setting off into stress mode. We go into an internal battle, where flight or flight hormones pump through our blood stream.

Our Vishuda Chakra (energetic system) that is located at our throat can tighten, which can result in sore throats, tightness, pain, allergies etc.  These emotions: anger, resentment, frustration, suffocation will build up inside when we don’t honor our truth and speak it.

Many people feel they don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings by saying how they really feel, and will endure the suffering internally, often hurting themselves instead by keeping the peace and being quiet.  There is no peace in silencing our selves, but we tell ourselves there is at the expense of our truth.  Keeping quiet hurts two people: you and the other person.  Your silence does not allow the person to see how their actions and words can affect another person, and you rob them of an opportunity to change and grow, if they so choose. Although, there isn’t necessarily a right or wrong, it’s important to have your voice and communicate what is true for you for optimum health.

I can’t tell you the amount of people that don’t speak up in a bodywork session when the therapist is over stepping a boundary and talking through their session because they don’t want to hurt their feelings. I always ask, “wait, who is paying for this session?”  The therapist is then using the client as a means to their fill their own needs rather than the clients.  This is NOT OK!

Start looking at where you compromise your truth because you don’t want to rock the boat or make waves.  Maybe the other person has your number and has bullied you enough to shut you up, or you’ve stooped to their level of screaming and hollering obscenities at each other, to avoid making a necessary change. We get so entangled in either silence or fighting which becomes a vicious cycle where no one wins, and we think this is normal communication?  Both set up roadblocks that keep us stuck at an impasse.  If you don’t want to change, you get to have the same result you always have had and you know what that is.  Great, it’s your choice if that’s what you want.

On the other hand, if you want a different experience you have to change something to create that. This is your life.  What do you want?  How do you want to live?  I commend you for speaking your truth and having your voice.  When we speak our truth we allow others around us to grow as well.  They might not like what you have to say which is also fine and they get an opportunity to share their truth with you.

As you do it more you will get better with it and it won’t be so difficult.  In the beginning it may be a little harsh because it’s so foreign.  Be gentle with yourself.  It’s ok if you don’t say it exactly right and someone takes it wrong. As they say, “the truth will set you free.” Always remember:  life is not stagnant and we have many opportunities for growth and change.  If you don’t learn it the first time, you will get another chance because they keep coming up until we do.

Honestly, as I’m writing this I thought of a little white lie I was about to tell, which gave me another opportunity to walk my talk and be honest.

If we never tell a lie, we never have to worry about what to cover up or say which only makes things worse in the end.

In the words of  ― Mahatma Gandhi “Silence becomes cowardice when occasion demands speaking out the whole truth and acting accordingly.”

Blessings while you rock the boat,

Cindy

“Please, Enter and Change?: A New Way of Vewing Falls

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When I fell on my morning walk today, I was reminded of  the song ” When I fall down,  but I get up again” by the songwriter Loblaw. Whether on a run or the daily walk of your life…. shit happens.

Sometimes we fall, we stand up,  brush ourselves off, and are back  in no time at all. Other times we hit the edge head on, and we don’t get up for quite a while.  Of course, it feels much better when we can shake things off and move forward, but perhaps the fall wasn’t enough to get our attention and we find ourselves in the same position again, and again, until we finally get the message the universe is trying to deliver.

Hopefully, we stop for a moment and see where we might need to slow down, pay attention, maybe buy a pair glasses, or make some adjustments in our lives. If we hit that sharp edge and we come face-to-face with life and can’t get up, it takes an enormous act of courage, determination, support, steadfastness and due diligence to hang in there until we can move again.

These things that bring us to our knees in pain, tears, and suffering can feel like an arrow going straight through our heart,  physically or emotionally. Nonetheless , the journey to finding peace is the same.

I think of countless friends and clients who have walked this journey broken with heartache.  Facing a lifetime of torment, yet continuing to get up again.  On the outside  it may not look like someone knows this path,  however, you can never be certain. I’ve been to hell and back and I don’t want to go there again. No matter what you’re facing, how abandoned, neglected, angry, or afraid, you feel,  remember the same journey applies  when you fall: put 1 foot in front of the other and remember the sun will set again, the moon will rise, the flowers will bloom and you will get up again no matter how badly bruised. I have seen countless people prove this time and again and I am in awe by their courage and bravery and honored to be a witness to it, including my own.

IT’S NOT EASY BUT POSSIBLE!.

When I walked into the massage room yesterday, one of my clients was already laying on the table as instructed by the sign outside that asked, “ Please enter change”.  Although I’ve had that sign on the door for as long as I can remember, my client who had also been on the table countless times was the first person who ever looked at the sign and read it from the vantage point of internal changing. She’s going through profound shifts in her life, discovering herself for the first time, and considering  her needs. No wonder it had this impact on her.

What if we saw that sign in our head daily and we contemplated what it would look like for us to have to show up differently to create a different reality within?  There are many signs like these that we are unable to see because we are on automatic pilot going through life.

Walk in your life today with the new eyes.  Slow down, look at what’s in front of you, look at what’s been there all along and start noticing how your  world reflects what you see. Sometimes it  takes dramatic incidents  as a wake up call, for us to finally get these messages of truth.  Forget how long it took you to get back on the trail, and just be grateful that you are. What wants to be rebirthed in you this season?  It is within your reach.

Enjoy your travels of new discoveries and I’ll meet you on the path.

Easter and Passover Blessings,

Cindy