Sewing New Seeds of Love of in a Forgotten Garden

Disapointment

It isn’t your fault, it just is

Stop and cut bait and DON’T even go there.

And realize it’s them, not you, and move on.

People are not always honorable.

Of course it takes 2 to tango, so look at the part you played so you can learn

It once and for all; utter the words…

Next!

This cord of confusion is a waste of time.

Move on…

Easy to think, “Oh, I should have, could have, would have…”

No more dwelling and be

Thankful that you are moving in a healthier direction.

I continue to pick up the phone and hang up before dialing your number. I composed a text for the umpteenth time, and then deleted it before I hit send.

When I’ve reached out, I’ve been rejected.

Sometimes, I look for the trail that will once again lead to your heart, like Hansel and Gretel, following crumbs. Nonetheless, the path just breaks.

This compelling need inside swells up and cries, “If you would only respond to me, I could move on.” Only when I pick up my journal, guitar, or uke and write, can it be released.

However, a gapping hole inside me grows deeper, the problem becomes everyone else’s fault. My mind says “If they just loved me ” and saw me, I could release this constant preoccupation with them. Of course when we have an expectation that someone will save us, we have put the responsibility on them not ourselves to resolve our issue which never works.

When I get through my day living true to myself, not letting this thought or person have control of me, I feel empowered and yet still dissatisfied.

Why though?

What in me needs the approval of someone else that I will chase him or her at the expense of myself? How long will I make something outside of me responsible for my well being, and feel victimized when they don’t meet my expectations, wasting my energy, just so I can be validated?

When did I stop validating myself and why?

When we constantly look for things, people and places outside of ourselves to fill us and validate who we are, we will always be empty.

Next time you pick up the phone or want to reach out to someone; call someone that has always been true to his or her word and honorable.

Notice, when they get back to you right away, how you feel and how you respond to yourself

We are aware that their instant response is evidence they care. However, when we feel low, with a poor sense of our value truthfully, we question our worthiness of someone to respond attentively.

There in lies the problem.

It’s what you think of yourself that is the problem.

Do you think “what did I do wrong, what did I say that created them to leave” or “ what did I do for them to not respect me and call me back“.

You make it your problem but chances are it has nothing to do with you!

When you have worked all of your life trying to be noticed, abandonment issues run deep, and it takes discipline and practice to be kind enough to you to start living a life with people in it that are respectful and honor you.

Start today by honoring yourself and doing things for yourself that truly take care of you on a deep level.

Congratulations for not making that call and hitting the send button.

Life is about “finding peace in our struggles” as was shared so eloquently by a client.

Now go do something for you; making yourself your own best friend is an interesting experiment.

Just this morning I went to text and call someone who has not been returning my calls and I thought why would I do that to myself?

The message is clear: for whatever reason they are not getting back to me. It could be them or me, but I have tried enough. I miss what we shared and had, but at this point could I care enough about me? I don’t need to do that to myself because it creates a vicious circle of what I did wrong?

Consequently, I texted a dear friend instead, and right away I got a response.

I sat for a moment and thought: this is what I want. I want people in my life that do respond to me and treat me the way I treat them.

Some people wouldn’t give any of this a second thought. They would just drop the person and move on to the next. However, it’s only us that have issues with abandonment that have self-loathing.

I remembered instantly being 14 and waiting for my dad to come visit and pick me up, only to be stood up again. The pain of disappointment left me with wounds that are still triggered to this day. If I were just better, he would have been there for me.

So all of my life I have tried to be better with the hope I will have the Sunday visit 45 years ago that I so desperately wanted.

There are no more tears; they have been mourned a myriad of times.

Instead, a realization that I am worthy came over me and I felt a peace inside knowing that I could at least respond to myself lovingly and kindly from now on. I got out my shovel and headed to the garden with a grateful heart for the new seeds I am sowing.

Be good to yourself today!

Smiles,

Cindy