I sat to do my daily Brain Dump which Julia Cameron calls Morning Pages, and realized it had been 3 months since I had sat down to write these and there was a LOT that wanted to be expressed. I would never generally share these personal brain dumps but I felt that many of us are experiencing the same things in one way or another and it might be relatable and helpful in some way.
Please know I am not looking for sympathy or a pity party here in anyway shape or form, as I am blessed. I like you, am human, doing the best I can and I am bumbling along just like we all are, and I always have a choice and I choose to grow from my daily lessons that show up in my path. I learn as much from my clients and friends as they learn from me and more from my mistakes than wins. So my friends, please know I would love to hear what you personally connect with when you listen, if you would like to comment.
Speaking of “Spilling Words”. my poem The Lone Sunflower was accepted on Spillwords and is coming out June 4th which I’m thrilled about. I will post it on my blog Monday June 6th since I don’t post on weekends. I can’t wait to share it with you.
I’ve made a audio to give your eyes a rest if you prefer along with the written words, if you prefer to read.
Sitting I notice my back talking to me with a message of what I’m not sure. Slow down comes to mind. You can only do one thing at a time.You are NOT Ghandi or Buddha or God, you can NOT change the world, change others, stop war, famine, child’s rights, the environment, only yourself.
Save you, that’s the best I can do and yet I spiral downwards in the sea of Abis as I brew my coffee knowing my 87 year old dad is sick and might have Covid, my mom is overwhelmed with the recent death of my step father. My FIL fell and is in lockdown at his retirement center with 25 that just came down with Covid, the wedding, the construction, the mistakes, that keep arising, costing a pound of flesh, and the list goes on and on.
Nothing important and everything important, with a finite window of time in the day.
And then there is my book, I do what to write, my blog which keeps me from my book. My head is empty and yet full, crammed with worry and angst. Waiting in line with blundering mistakes and not enough staff to wait on you because no-one wants or can afford these jobs any more and companies are trying to just stay afloat.
Getting in my self care feels like another obligation and necessity of life rather than a joy of feeding my soul. I sit in a quandary of feeling blessed and feeling cursed for this rich life I have created of demands where I am needed and yet, I could walk away from them all. Stroll down the beach and never come back. People do you know. I could invent a very cool story and then escape but escape to where?
The bombings of shelled out bodies, starvation, pollution? I need to write for the love of again. I need to just be, I need to relax, let the tension go, I need to not be needed. I need to have people to keep their agreements but I’ve no control.
I need, I need, I need way too much which is just an ounce of space to breathe and with that, tears flow down my cheeks, realizing how little I give to myself and how blessed I am that I actually have a choice.
And then I stop and wait, and just see what comes . Broken with despair. Could I just be, just be, be free? and I cry some more because I gave up freedom when I signed on the dotted line and took an oath to my country and God to be the best I could be. To show up everyday and be honest and fair, loving and caring, work smart, cross my t’s and dot my i’s, have patience, work smart and cross my I’s, know life truly is an illusion, strive for world peace with clean air and food for all, but you failed me or did I fail me because I truly could have done more?
You did not up-stand what we are all striving for as we watch destruction and breath taken away one by one in corruption and greed for those in power that refuse to see . We are all fighting the same fight gasping for the same air, while the slaughter house is full of blood and bigotry.
Wow, this is what happens when you don’t write everyday and words spill on the page from head to heart then hand as I quill my feelings and spill my sorrow and joy on the page.
On another note; Happy Birthday to my mom who is one of the strongest woman I know. She is not only beautiful, loving caring, smart and kind but was one of the highest paid woman 50 years ago as a sales agent in a moving and storage company without a college degree, Her stories like all of our is rich with color and inspiration. She just retired about 3 years ago when the company shut down which was perfect timing so she could be with my stepdad and tend to his every need.
Her favorite line is “I go to bed in peace and wake in joy“. She actually doesn’t sleep much at all but I always appreciate her positive mind set.
Speaking of strong woman, Gabriela has invited us to a discussion on Wounds I healed: Poetry of Strong Woman (see the details below)
From the Editor, Gabriela Marie Milton:
« On Saturday June 4, at 9 am CT – 10 am ET (USA) join me and Ingrid on Twitter Space for a lively discussion and updates on our anthology Wounds I Healed: The Poetry of Strong Women. By saving and clicking on the link below you can listen to the discussion even if you do not have a Twitter account. Please share the link with those you think may be interested. I can’t wait to talk to those of you who can attend.«
That is 7 am PT (USA) for those on the west coast. I will be there and hope to see you there too.
Gabriela Marie Milton
#1 Amazon Bestselling Author
Woman: Splendor and Sorrow :I Love Poems and Poetic Prose
Passions: Love Poems and Other Writi
Have a blessed day, take moments to feel your breath simply breathe you. When you find you are holding your breath, clenching, rushing and tense: Stop for a minute and slow down and take 3 deep breaths, breath and let go. Clear your mind as best as you can and come to a word or an image that brings you peace. You may find you may need to do it several times a day. Do it! It’s as simple as that. Thanks for visiting today and may you too sleep in peace and wake in joy like my mamma says.
Love and Light,